Getting Nervous for September

Looking back, the first realization of bad news was the day our Neurologist called me and told me that our son had a mass in his brain. I was so scared I nearly lost my mind and felt like I had a literal fist in my gut. That isn't news that you should have to hear over the phone and our journey since that day has changed immensely along the way but that original worry is still there.

At that time, we were told by a world reknown brain surgeon that the mass (cystic pineal tumor) would require one of the most dangerous types of brain surgery to remove. However, the risks vs the rewards of removing it at the time were too high and although he warned us it would cause him to have seizures, we were nervous and relieved to hear that we needed to wait for "worsening neurological symptoms" to occur before they would remove it. When we visited the Children's Hospital in our own state and we shared our concerns regarding said neurological symptoms and the three hour drive to get to their facility we were told "that's what helicopters are for".

Our friends have thrown fund-raisers for us to help us save money for Abram. One lovely lady even shaved her head in his honor and to see the support we had from our friends when we needed it most was the most uplifting part of this entire journey. No matter what we are going through, we have an amazing outpour of support from our friends, our family and our community here at home and online in the special needs community as well.

For the longest time, I thought that if we got that mass out of his head, he would be "fine". Alas, our journey has taken us on a different path entirely and I know now (or have come to terms with the fact) that Abram's case is so much MORE than a pineal cyst and that part of his diagnosis is truly a symptom of his actual diagnosis - the UBE2A Deficiency Syndrome. We cannot "fix" or "cure" what is going on in Abram's brain as I once hoped that we would be able to do.  There is more going on in his brain with grey matter where it shouldn't be, atrophied hippocampus, suspected mesial temporal sclerosis, etc that cannot be fixed with surgery.

With what is commonly referred to as an "incidental finding" with a pineal cyst has become an annual (or even more often) issue of putting our son under a sedated/intubated MRI, kissing him goodbye and hoping that the anesthesia doesn't have a bad impact on his seizures. He had a really hard time coming out of it the last time, so this time - no cannabis in the morning of the MRI to see if that makes a difference.

Anyhow, after our journey to Mayo last summer, I thought that after they had found so much other stuff going on within Abram's brain tissue that the pineal cyst would be the least of our worries. Yet, when I specifically asked the Mayo Clinic why we were needing a follow-up MRI this fall - it was literally the pineal cyst that they want to check up on. Specifically to see if it needs "Neurosurgical intervention". Reading that made my stomach sink a little. I knew deep down that it needs to be watched. What they said would be a "slow grower" had doubled in size. What used to be a perfectly round cyst is now shaped like a kidney bean because it is getting squished in the anatomy of his brain as it grows. It makes me nervous. It scares me. I don't like it. 

But I'm so thankful to have a Hospital that acknowledges it, that wants to follow it and that cares enough to make sure that our son's brain is OKAY. There are so many others with a pineal cystic tumors who are ignored, ridiculed and made to feel that they are mentally ill. They are told that this cannot possibly impact their quality of life but those doctors are wrong. We have sought opinions from individuals across the country from NYU, to Barrows Neurological Institute to Mayo and more.

These masses sit right in the center of the brain and press on parts in the deepest recesses of the organ that should never be touched. Sensitivity to light, sound, migraines, seizures, hydrocephalus, Parinaud's Syndrome and more are just a few of the things that can be affected by it.

Sleep is something that has eluded Abram since he was a tiny baby - as the pineal gland regulates melatonin and sleep - it isn't much of a surprise. It's just hard that here we are four years later and he still has never slept through the night. It's hard to know it's there and on his bad days it's hard not to jump to conclusions and worry that something bad is about to happen.

So, the second week in September, we journey back to MN to check in on the mass in our son's brain and to touch base with Sleep Medicine again. The thought of the MRI gives me anxiety but the thought of not watching it is even scarier.

It's hard watching your child never know what it's like to have a good night's sleep. Even the prescribed psychoactive benzodiazepines that our Neuro prescribed for his seizures would allow for him to have a full night's rest. I've learned how to live my life as if I have a newborn every night. I can't imagine how that must feel for Abram - to never have had a full night's sleep.... to never go more than 2-3 hours without waking up screaming. 

I wish it were easier for Abram. But I will take these months of seizure-freedom and be proud and happy for him. I've learned to just roll with the punches and take things in tiny baby steps as they come. Worrying made me miss out on so much of his baby-hood. I'm not missing out on his toddler days worrying about what could be. If/when he needs to have brain surgery - we will deal with when it comes. And I know that our friends and family will have our backs 199%. 

Love,
Erin

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