PTSD is a Monster

Oversharing as usual. 

Getting my IUD out today And, Realized when I pulled up that I accidentally came to the place where I came when I was pregnant with my son, and I was not expecting the amount of feelings to come up that I have. I mean, and I'm diagnosed with PTSD but holy shit coming up to this parking lot and then remembering all the dumb crap that happened after this and everything that's happened since, really just brought up so much stuff for me. The last time I was in this building, I was pregnant, and, they told me that, you know, I had no amniotic fluid, which I'd been telling my doctor for weeks that something was not right. And, that I needed to get the hospital right away. And I was in labor for 14 hours and, ended up having to have an emergency C-section, which the doctor should have just done in the first place.

But in this country, if you're on Medicaid or Medicare and you're second class citizens. And so this is where the journey with my son happened. And, so much stuff went wrong even in the hospital where the point, to the point where, you know, a lawyer heard about our case and wanted to help us and, told me I had, you know, like a half $1 million lawsuit that could have happened with my son turning blue multiple times and all of this other stuff, happening with the NICU and jaundice and people doing all the things wrong, which seems to be the story in my life when it comes to health care.

And, Yeah, I guess I just wasn't expecting it to come flooding back. And of course, I never got to, sue the jerk that made my son go without oxygen for so long. I still wonder if that's what caused his acquired brain injury. I have no idea. I mean, he has so much stuff going on in his brain, and all of this stuff just brought it back, like it was yesterday.

And I don't know why I'm sharing this, other than the fact that. If you think something is wrong and your doctor's not listening, then get another doctor. And, if they did something, it's worth a half million dollars to your baby, when they're born. Then find the other lawyer. Turns out the one that wanted to help me couldn't because he's buddies with the doctor. Big, big shocker, right? But that's the way life is in small towns and small cities like Des Moines, Iowa. So, yeah.

Here I sit in the parking lot, just. Thinking all of that and wishing it could have gone differently. And if maybe just a little bit of his diagnoses may never have happened, if somebody had actually listened and paid attention. I mean, I know he has a genetic disorder, but. He's not like a lot of the other kids that have what he has.

So I can't help but to think that some of the brain damage he has is caused by that of oxygen and no amniotic fluid. And, all these years later, there's, you know, nothing I can do about it, but it happened and it's real. And I had no idea, that just seeing this building would make me feel this way. So, yeah, that's my day to day. And, I guess that's all I got. I guess I just didn't really realize, PTSD can make you have an nervous breakdown in the waiting room, of a place that caused so much trauma.

I didn't even mean to come here. I just wanted to get my stinking IUD.

You can watch me weep or just stop at my words but maybe.. just maybe watching this may make some other mama out there not feel so alone.  

Originally posted on my private Facebook page.